I believe in God. Maybe.

Frank Lloyd Wright hat mal gesagt:, "I believe in God. Only I spell it Nature."
Übersetzt heißt das: Ich glaube an Gott. Nur ich buchstabiere es Natur.

Ich war nie wirklich religiös, so bin ich einfach erzogen wurden. Doch Glaube hat mich immer fasziniert. Was die Menschen für richtig und falsch halten, weil es ihnen so gesagt wurde.
Ich hatte mal eine Zeit, da wollte ich Buddhist sein, auch wenn ich eigentlich gar nicht so viel über Buddhismus wusste.
Im Prinzip habe ich nie wirklich an Gott geglaubt.
Doch aus irgendeinem Grund hat sich irgendwie meine Einstellung dazu hier geändert. Was, wenn es wirklich so etwas wie einen Gott gibt?
Alles passiert aus einem ganz bestimmten Grund.
Doch wenn Gott diese Entscheidungen trifft, warum gibt er den Menschen dann Krebs und andere schlimme Krankheiten? Warum müssen Menschen leiden?
Vielleicht ist Gott einfach nur egoistisch. Doch ist das das Vorbild, dem wir alle nachgehen sollen?
Wenn Gott die Welt erschuf, warum kann er sie dann nicht kontrollieren und Dinge wie Hurrikanes und Tornados verhindern?
Ich will an Gott glauben, doch wie soll ich das machen, wenn er mir Gründe gibt es nicht zu tun.
Dann wider um gibt es Momente, die einfach magisch sind. Sowie bei einem der Track meets als Diamond kurz bevor unserem letzten Sprung im Weitsprung zu Laura und mir meinte, "Ok guys, let's pray!". Danach hatten wir alle unseren besten Sprung.

Dieser Moment, wo plötzlich der Wind auftaucht und es scheint, als ob die Natur dir etwas sagen will.
Vielleicht ist es nicht der Gott, an den man glauben soll. Vielleicht ist es die Natur, die um dich herum ist, mit all dem Leben darin.


Paula

Leave and regret nothing.

It was only a couple weeks ago that I came here, right?
Only a couple days ago that I started with running cross country and get to know all of those people. Am I right? It feels like it was yesterday that we had Homecoming.
But no, that's actually all a long time ago.
Last Tuesday was my last Track meet and I also had my dance exam, so it was a long day. Anyway, with that last meet the Track season is over for me now and it is actually making me sad. On the way home that night I was thinking about that and I realized, this is going to end. With THIS I mean, everything here. Everything. My high school year in the USA. My one and only.

No more football games in the fall. No basketball in the winter. No dressing up for Cross Country or Track meets. No Pop Tarts. No bonfires with Smores. No Homecoming. No Prom. 

I don't wanna leave. 

One more year, please. Let me have my Senior year here and then I can go back.
I have only a couple weeks left, so basically there is nothing left.
Yesterday I had my last AFS orientation and we talked about our experience over all, packing and returning.  I don't even wanna think about it. I mean, ya, I'm talking about going back the whole time and what I'm gonna do in Germany when I'm back, but actually I think I think I'm only saying this over and over to make myself realize I really have to go and that soon.
I made a bucket list a couple months ago when I started my scrapbook and there are still a lot of things left to do. Anyway, the last thing on the list is: Regret nothing.
I do not regret anything i experienced this year. I mean, sometimes I feel like I should have used my time more wisely like in the winter time when I was only at home everyday, and sometimes I wish I would have done more like visiting some cities not too far away from here. But what I did, I do not regret.

At the orientation, we also talked about our fears and expectations about going back to our home country. I have to say, I am kind of afraid. How do people expect me to be when I'm back? What if that life what I had in Germany is not enough anymore for me? I know, that sounds extremely stupid, but I don't know how to explain it. Of course I miss a lot of things from Germany. But what if that culture shock is gonna hit me really hard? Do I wanna tell people the story of "my life in America"?
When will I be able to go back? What do I wanna do with my life now? I was planning on my exchange year since 8th grade. So what is gonna come now?

I need time to think. Could somebody stop the world for a moment?

I've heard of exchange students who kind of isolated themselves the last couple weeks before they went back because they thought that was the easier way to leave. I did that before I came here. I mean, I was only working and hanging out with my really close friends before I left Germany. I'm afraid I'm gonna do this.
Well, I wanna enjoy those last couple weeks with my friends and family here but I also really need time for myself to think about everything. It is really not easy to leave what you love.
I'm gonna pack my stuff and leave. And then? Coco already said she is gonna take my room after I'm gone. And what about my friends in school? There are gonna be a ton of new foreign exchange students next year at Gull Lake, so will my friends still think of me?
And what about Maxi? I spent almost every single school day here with her together. We either drove our teachers crazy when we were talking in German or we told them how to speak it. We just feel the exact same way and I don't think that is just because we are both exchange students from Germany.
Even though my skinny little Maxi girl is smaller than me, I look up to her. With all of her confidence and ambition, she just inspired me.

I am so glad I got to meet all of my amazing friends, teachers, coaches and everybody else. Some people I wish I would have got to known them better earlier though.

Oh, well...
It is late, so I'm going to bed now. Good night!

See ya,
Paula